Adjusting to Two Kids Under Two -- How to Make Life Easier

The transition from one kid to two really threw me for a loop in a way I wasn't expecting.  I had already done the baby thing once, so I thought it would be the same, but easier since I had the experience.

WRONG.

Although intellectually I knew I was having another child with her own, different personality, I prepared myself for having Clara over again and did not even contemplate what it would be like to have a baby and a toddler.

I thought I would put together a few of the things that have saved my sanity over the past (almost) year.  One disclaimer on this.  My babies are not easy babies.  They want to be held a lot, they have reflux, they don't fall asleep in car carriers (in fact, they scream), so some of this may be over kill if you have an easy baby.  But don't plan for an easy baby, plan for a tough one and make it easy on yourself if you do win the lottery in that regard.

1.  Get hands free.  No, not your cell phone, we'll get to that later, but with the baby.  I used an Ergo with an Infant Insert.  If at all possible, find a friend who can show you how to use the infant insert or wait until the baby is born and go to a store that sells them (Smart Momma for Raleigh locals) and get a sales clerk to show you with your actual baby.  With Clara I had a Baby Bjorn and MAN was it hard on my back.  The Ergo places all of the weight of the baby on your hips, which is much more comfortable.  Julia really loved the Ergo and we were actually able to get out of the house.

This picture overwhelms me with memories. This was the entire summer last summer.
I felt so incredibly overwhelmed and this reminds me of the sweet closeness that a newborn brings.

On the subject of hands free phones, learn to use the microphone on your phone to do talk to text.  It will make keeping up with emails and texts much easier.

2.  Encourage Independence.  For a couple of months before the new baby arrives, watch yourself with your toddler and try to imagine doing what you are doing with a baby in your arms.  Be very conscious of the things that you are helping with that your toddler could do himself or herself and make adjustments.  Example, do you carry your child to the sink to wash his or her hand?  If so, buy a step stool that is tall enough for your child to reach the sink.  Teach your toddler to pull out the straps on the car seat while you hold the button, otherwise you need both hands and you'll have to put the baby carrier on the ground.  Similarly, teach your child to climb into the car and get into the car seat.

3.  Discipline.  The following data is completely empirical, but I find it to be accurate among my friends.  Baby girls hit the terrible twos any time between 18 months and 2 years and it lasts for close to a year.  Baby boys hit the terrible two any time between 2 and 2 1/2 and it lasts until 3 1/2.  Create a plan for how you will discipline before the new baby gets there.  Both parents will need to be on board because a lot of the disciplining will need to be done by dad while mom is tied up with the feeding.  We use the Moms on Call Toddlers on Call method.  I also like Becky Bailey's book Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline for tips on how to communicate with my kids, but the parenting is too soft for Clara.  She needs firm boundaries and consistency and a clear line between yes and no.  Anything you choose is fine, but you have to be consistent and need both parents on board before the new baby arrives.

4.  Toddler Snacks.  I found it helpful to put sippies of milk on a reachable shelf in the fridge and ziplocs of crasins, cheerios and goldfish on a reachable shelf in the pantry. Clara always seemed to need a snack right when it was time for me to nurse the baby, so letting her get her own snack made it easy for me and fun for her.

5.  Independent Play.  Invest in what your toddler likes to do and will do independently.  Clara loves to do art.  Markers, crayons, paints, you name it.  These are the absolute best paints.  She can use them without help and they wash out.  We use these bibs as smocks.  We have the usual Crayola washable markers.  I rotate them out so she's got something new to play with each day.  I also get new coloring books and stickers often.

Clara is sitting at her little table coloring.
Added bonus, she can get to all of her supplies herself.

6.  TV.  I know that the use of TV is controversial, but on this one we are realistic.  We limit screen time and limit choices to programs that are for kids and that try to be educational.  There are times when the TV was more engaging than we could be because we were focused on the other child or too sleep deprived to interact and that is when we turned it on.  The TV needs to either be on or off.  No adult programming as background noise, but don't feel bad about a little child programming at certain, pre-determined times.  Clara watched about a half hour in the morning and another half hour before bed.  If it was a rough day with the baby, I'd let her watch a half hour after her nap, but not as a reward if she was the one making things rough.

7.  Simultaneous Naps.  As soon as your baby is on a reliable eat/activity/sleep routine of 2.5-3 hours (this should be pretty quick if you're trying at all to put your baby on a routine), work towards the baby taking one of his or her naps at the same time as your toddler's naps so that you can have a much-needed break.  I think that the easiest way to do this is to count backwards in three hour increments from the toddler's nap time and "reset" the clock with the breakfast feeding so the kids go down at the same time.  To lay this out:

Toddler naps at 1pm, baby wakes for the first time at 7:00 and eats.  If the baby is on a three hour flexible routine, the baby will eat again at 10:00 and 1:00 with naps at 11:15 ish and 2:15 ish, which means you will have very little if any time to yourself, if your toddler is taking a 2 ish hour nap.  If you back up the 10:00 feeding to 9:30, you're more likely to get a break.

8.  Save a slush fund so that you can get help.  During both of my pregnancies I put aside $25/week for whatever came up after the birth that I hadn't anticipated.  With Clara it was mostly baby gear I didn't know I needed or decided I needed two of.  From about a week old until she was 4 months old, Julia cried in pain from reflux in the car from the minute you put her in until the minute you took her out.  I hired a babysitter to come in the mornings so that I could take Clara to school without Julia.  I had the money set aside and it was easier on both Julia and me to do it that way. Also, pay attention to yourself.  If you are getting overwhelmed, don't ignore it.  Ask your husband to step up and let him know you are headed toward the wall before you hit it.  Also, seek a doctor's help if the anxiety or depression starts to get the best of you.  And if you are struggling, tell someone.  You will find that when you open up to your friends about this, most of them will have actually been there themselves and you are not crazy!

Alex with Julia at the baptism brunch.  She is party of the family.

9.  Get out, with the kids and without.   I don't love to be away from my kids when I can be with them.  I think it's because I work and I feel like I should be parenting them when I'm not working.  That said, the first relationship in the house is my relationship with my husband, so we try to get out no less than once per month.  It is really wonderful for our marriage and for both of us as individuals.  Most often I put Julia to bed and then we leave and the babysitter or my parents put Clara to bed. We also joined a pool last summer and went with friends to a family-friendly outdoor music event called Music on the Porch as often as possible.  During the fall and winter we often have people over for early dinners or go to friends houses.  We have a little park up the street that we go to at least once per weekend.  It can start to feel like drudgery when you're in the house all day changing diapers and taking care of kids, getting out makes all the difference.

Alex took this one, we were headed out to dinner.

Family friendly event where a cooler of beer is encouraged!

10.  Make mom friends.  It was my 2012 New Year's Resolution to make mom friends.  I am so glad I did.  You need a source of support and friendship and it will make all the difference in your friendship.

Bonus Section:

a.  Embrace A-.  You don't have to be the A+ mom to be an incredible mom, embrace A-.  You can bring birthday cupcakes from the grocery store, your kid doesn't care.  You don't have to do goodie bags for every holiday.  If your kid tells you in the morning that she wants to wear striped pants with a Mickey Mouse shirt, don't choose that battle, let her do it.  If you forget to bring swim diapers to the pool, don't send your husband home, borrow from another mom.  Her face will light up and she'll start to tell you that she forgot the snacks and just like that, you'll have paid her back and have a familiar face to talk to and eventually become friends with.

b.  Meal Plan Simply.  Trader Joe's meals, meals from friends, sandwiches, pre-prepared meals from Whole Foods.  Have a plan, but a simple one.  Try to eat with your toddler so you don't have to deal with two separated cooks and clean-ups.

c.  Stock up.  Buy extras of shampoo, makeup, etc. before the new baby comes and once the baby comes, if you know you're going to use it and you have the space, buy extra.

We struggled mightily and at times it was pretty excruciating, but as we approach Julia's first birthday, having two kids so close in age is really beginning to pay off.  They already are playing together and are starting to do the same things.  They are not so far apart developmentally that Julia can't participate in what Clara's doing and vice versa.  To put that more specifically, Clara loves to play with Mega Bloks and Julia likes to pick them up and bang them together.  Different stages, but Julia is doing the same thing.  I can make a game out of Clara handing Julia different colors and numbers of blocks.

Although this post is intended to be more about the struggle than the reward, I hope the mention of the reward reminds you that although the transition from one to two is tough, it is just a season.